Oh March. I know there are so many things to love about this month, but honestly, I’m ready for it to be over. We’re coming up on one year without my brother and the anticipation of the anniversary is almost too much to handle some days. In a world of timehop and Facebook memories, I’m constantly reminded of what I was doing a year ago. A year ago today I was still living in a dream world…a world where death and loss didn’t apply to my family. Now not only does it apply to us–it’s part of who we are.
Some days I feel like I’m still very much in the thick of the grieving process…and other days I feel like progress is being made. Lately though, I just miss my brother. And I can’t think of any way to put it other than–it sucks. I’m up way too late writing this…and normally he would be up too…texting me about something stupid just to verify that I’m awake–and then calling me immediately after I respond because he wants to talk. What I wouldn’t give for one of those late night conversations about college basketball, the Royals, and all the funny things Luke is up to. And then there’s this ridiculous rodeo clown show that Chris and I have been watching. Every time it’s on I have this urge to text Josh and tell him about it…because he’s one of the only people I know that would think that nonsense is as funny as I do. It seems surreal that it’s been a year since I could do this stuff.
I struggle a lot with the idea that “life goes on”…because after losing someone that you love, you want that so badly–but it’s also exactly what you don’t want. I want my life, my family’s life, to be the way it used to be…but at the same time, I don’t want life going on like nothing every happened. I don’t ever want to feel distant from my brother, and I think that’s why the idea of an entire year passing is so scary to me.
The other day I came across this post with seven bible verses for the hurting heart. I found comfort in every single one of them, but these two in particular really spoke to me:
When you want to stay complacent in your pain and suffering, STAND UP and draw strength from him. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesian 6:10
TRUST that the hurt won’t last forever. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Psalm 107:14
Sometimes it’s easier to be sad. Sometimes I forget that there’s someone who wants to carry this burden for me. And sometimes I need a reminder that this life isn’t the end for us.
I try not to get upset in front of the kids, but there’s one particular song on the radio right now that causes me to cry a big ugly cry every time it’s on. When we heard it in the car yesterday, Arden was concerned and asked me why I was sad…I told her that I just missed Uncle Josh. Without even thinking, she said, “Don’t be sad, Mommy. Someday you’ll go to heaven and you can hang out with him whenever you want.”
She’ll never know how much I needed that.