Oh March. I know there are so many things to love about this month, but honestly, I’m ready for it to be over. We’re coming up on one year without my brother and the anticipation of the anniversary is almost too much to handle some days. In a world of timehop and Facebook memories, I’m constantly reminded of what I was doing a year ago. A year ago today I was still living in a dream world…a world where death and loss didn’t apply to my family. Now not only does it apply to us–it’s part of who we are.
Some days I feel like I’m still very much in the thick of the grieving process…and other days I feel like progress is being made. Lately though, I just miss my brother. And I can’t think of any way to put it other than–it sucks. I’m up way too late writing this…and normally he would be up too…texting me about something stupid just to verify that I’m awake–and then calling me immediately after I respond because he wants to talk. What I wouldn’t give for one of those late night conversations about college basketball, the Royals, and all the funny things Luke is up to. And then there’s this ridiculous rodeo clown show that Chris and I have been watching. Every time it’s on I have this urge to text Josh and tell him about it…because he’s one of the only people I know that would think that nonsense is as funny as I do. It seems surreal that it’s been a year since I could do this stuff.
I struggle a lot with the idea that “life goes on”…because after losing someone that you love, you want that so badly–but it’s also exactly what you don’t want. I want my life, my family’s life, to be the way it used to be…but at the same time, I don’t want life going on like nothing every happened. I don’t ever want to feel distant from my brother, and I think that’s why the idea of an entire year passing is so scary to me.
The other day I came across this post with seven bible verses for the hurting heart. I found comfort in every single one of them, but these two in particular really spoke to me:
When you want to stay complacent in your pain and suffering, STAND UP and draw strength from him. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Ephesian 6:10
TRUST that the hurt won’t last forever. He brought them out of the darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Psalm 107:14
Sometimes it’s easier to be sad. Sometimes I forget that there’s someone who wants to carry this burden for me. And sometimes I need a reminder that this life isn’t the end for us.
I try not to get upset in front of the kids, but there’s one particular song on the radio right now that causes me to cry a big ugly cry every time it’s on. When we heard it in the car yesterday, Arden was concerned and asked me why I was sad…I told her that I just missed Uncle Josh. Without even thinking, she said, “Don’t be sad, Mommy. Someday you’ll go to heaven and you can hang out with him whenever you want.”
She’ll never know how much I needed that.
And now I’m crying, too. I know there are few words that anyone can say, so all I’m going to write is hugs, my friend! I will say a few extra prayers for you and your amazing family this month.
Oh sweet Arden. What a smart and perceptive little girl! Hugs friend. I’m thinking of you.
Isn’t it amazing how our young children can pick up when WE need them the most? Sending hugs your way!
Love you, friend. Your strength in the Lord will always carry you through. He will provide exactly what you need in your time of need and sadness just like he did with sweet Arden. It’s never easy, to be honest. it’s been over 20 years since I lost my father on March 17th but to know you will meet again is the best reminder. Please know I am praying for you and your sweet family. LOVE YOU SO MUCH! XOXO
Sweet Arden. I’m positive the Lord speaks through them.
Sending hugs and prayers to lift you up, friend.
A favorite verse from which I draw strength is Isaiah 43:2 ||
When you go through deep waters , I will be with you.
~Isaiah 43:2
Ugh…. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. But at the same time, I totally get it. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers! And there’s one song on the radio right now that makes me cry as well (by a certain John Legend and Meghan Trainor) and out of nowhere it’ll just hit me. My 2 and a half year old son in the back seat will say – Are you sad, Mommy? xoxo
I wish I had more wisdom to share. It’s SO hard. I’m sending prayers your way.
I always look for the signs, knowing they are watching over us. They happen. From dreams, to someone wearing a similar outfit and then a letter we uncovered around the 5 year anniversary of my step dad passing, they are still with us. I talk and he still listens.
Big hugs your way Vanessa!
Aw Vanessa, I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a sibling, and I really appreciate you sharing your feelings. It’s funny how even the little spirits can sometimes give the most impactful advice. The versus you shared are wonderful, and your reminder is such a good one to all of us, no matter what we are going through in life. Even with all of the pain you are feeling, you are able to express yourself in a beautiful way, and touch others in the process. So, thanks. You will be in my prayers.
Sweet, sweet Arden. What a perfect thing to say, without even knowing it. I can’t say anything to bring him back or make this easier, but I just wanted to let you know that we all acknowledge your pain, and we are here for you. Keep writing these posts. They’re so raw and can touch a lot of us, without you even trying. And I hope they are helpful to you. xoxo
Oh I can’t imagine how tough this time of year must be. I’m sure emotions are raw again. And all the memories social media provides must be bittersweet. Thinking of you friend!
You are amazing. Words don’t suffice, but I’m just praying that you feel Christ’s presence with you on both the up and down days.
Big hugs, friend.
I’m still just so incredibly sorry for your tremendous loss.
Oh friend, I totally know how you’re feeling. Not with the loss of a brother, but similar. I think I told you that my mom passed away over 13 years ago now. She missed my college graduation, my brother’s high school graduation, my wedding, Mason’s birth and every subsequent day from there. The only thing that helps get me through it is knowing that she is watching down on me from heaven. Even though she is not physically here to be a part of some day to day activities (even if she were here, she would live in Northern CA and me Southern CA), I know she is with me everyday, watching down on me and (given the circumstances) is almost better than occasionally seeing her in person. I know it is difficult to see now, but it does get easier. Time does help heal though it will never fully heal. I hope you can find some peace around the anniversary of his death and that your family can be together and remember the happier times. xo
Im so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my brother but reading this makes me incredibly sad. Prayers to you and your family.
Arden’s words just brought me to tears! Leave it to a child to say from God just what we need to hear. Hugs, prayers, and lots of love to you my friend!
I think Elizabeth put it best -time does heal, though not completely. So thankful you have your kids and especially Arden for knowing exactly what to say that day. Hugs, friend.
Thinking of you!
Such an awesome posts with so many REAL emotions. And WOW…Arden to the rescue…what a brilliant little girl! I’m guessing that song that’s so tough to hear might be “You Should Be Here.” What an incredible song…but I know it must be hard to hear when it hits so close to home. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Oh friend, big hugs. That first anniversary is the hardest. Each year I’m sad on 11/28, kind of unexpectedly, because I think I function pretty well these days. The anniversary, and his birthday, are always really hard. Thinking of you, praying for peace for all of you. Learning to live with the hole in your heart gets a little easier each day. You’re stronger than you know. XO
Thinking of you sweet friend- and sending you love and prayers Time does heal all pain and suffering x
I’m a new-ish reader and when I saw your mention of your brother in your lake post I wanted to read a bit more. I am so sorry to hear you have lost a brother early on; I too can relate to this. I read an article on loss and blogged about it. It may be one you have some takeaways from or relate to. http://silexinthecity.blogspot.com/2016/05/thoughts-on-loss-and-storms-of-life.html