“Our journey through grief – through the valley of the shadow of death – is slow, laborious footwork. We put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. It is a process that cannot be sidestepped or hurried. The destination is God’s peace.”
I read this quote every morning when I’m making breakfast for the kids. It’s on a bulletin board above my desk, right next to a strip of photobooth pics of my brother and me. The pictures were taken at my wedding reception 6 years ago. Josh and I had been talking for a long time and I remember thinking that I should probably go and mingle with other guests (after all, I could talk to my brother any day)…but I didn’t want to leave because it felt like one of those special moments–one that I would always remember.
Some days I’m so mad. I admit it, I’m angry with God a lot. Almost 8 months after losing Josh, I still can’t figure out why it happened. Why him? Why then? He was a father, a husband, a son, a brother. Why take him? I’m desperate for answers…explanations…understanding.
Some days I’m just plain sad. Even the happiest times–birthdays, holidays, celebrations–have a tinge of sorrow that I fear is always going to be there. Then there are the ambushes. In a grief support group that my mom and I attended, that’s how they referred to the moments of sadness that you don’t see coming. Passing a guy at the gym who had Josh’s eyes…the ice breaker question at my mom’s group, “do you have a brother?”…or typing an email to my family and seeing his name pop up in the box as a suggestion. Those kinds of moments take my breath away and make my heart ache in a way that I didn’t used to know was possible.
But thankfully I don’t have to do this alone. I have to be reminded of it every single day, but once I stop and hand my sorrow and my fears over to God, He sees me through it and pulls me out of my dark place. He reminds me that this life is only temporary…and someday I’ll be with Him and my entire family for eternity. So until then, I’m going to seek joy in the life I’ve been given…and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s what Josh would want.
Sweet friend, what a beautiful post – so real and raw and yet so heartbreaking and heartwarming too. Sending you love and prayers.
We are grieving the passing of a close friends little girl who passed away yesterday and there are so many questions, so many tears and so many heartbroken moments.
x
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you continue to look and find that joy in the sadness and that you can help his memory live on by sharing how wonderful he was with your children! Big hugs girl!
I'm am so, so sorry for your loss. There are no right words, but reading your words is inspiring. Your love for him is so evident and I know you will help keep his spirit alive for your children and entire family. Prayers being sent your way.
Yesterday when I was writing you, I thought about your brother and wondered how you were doing. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry and know how hard this must be. Praying for you and your family!
So hard. I've had a lot of tears lately. I know how you are feeling and the questions you want answered. You are right, we'll be together again some day.
Always praying for you!
-Hugs
Oh wow, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I'm so sorry you are having to face all of these emotions but you said it perfectly… You KNOW this isn't the end. What hope you have!
I didn't know you had lost your brother. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I lost my Grandmother last week and it was very sudden. Even though she was 88 and she was well ready to go Home, we weren't ready for her to. But I guess when you love someone that much and genuinely enjoy being with them, you never are ready to let them go. My thoughts and prayers are will you!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had no idea you lost your brother only a few short months ago. I too lost someone very close to me, my mom, over 12 years ago now. I was only 18. And while that is completely different, it is somewhat the same, and I understand the questions you have and the pain your feel. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and am happy that you and your mom have found a support group to help you. xo
So beautifully written. I am choked up. It sounds like you had a such a special with brother. How wonderful that you had that closeness and how unfortunate that he was taken from you so early. Hugs!
I think we all have those moments with loved ones we've lost – memories we'll never forget. It's so hard to lose loved ones, especially so young. My thoughts are with you – you'll never forget all those good times and it's those you have to hold on to when it's hard. <3
Wow, what a beautiful, raw post. Thank you for sharing. Your loss is so hard, I am sure, but I hope that going to meetings and being able to write about it is helpful. xoxo
You're strong. You'll get through this, some days are going to hurt. Some days hurt so much for me and I just cry and think why and it's hard to pull myself out even after two years. I love my best friend and while that may not be as deep as a sibling, it hurts all the same. This was beautifully written. Praying for strength through the holidays and always. hugs, Vanessa!
You are such a strong woman who I admire so much. I know the holidays will be hard, lots of love you way!
Wow- what beautiful words! Sending prayers and hugs!
Oh Vanessa – I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Sending prayers of strength and comfort to you and your family.
Thank you for this and that quote. My mom and I are starting the group in January. Love ya, girl